pulling out my hair pulling out my hair... crushed by plastic lego men.

i'm trying very very hard to keep a positive outlook on this new and strange way of life.
it seems to get harder everyday.
i got a letter from my mom today saying that one of our families really good friends father
is very depressed. i don't want to be like that.
i want to keep sadness and self-pity, self-loathing as far away from me as i can.
it keeps getting harder and harder but i really am trying even if these fucking blogs
seem so... melancholy or sad... it's mostly because i'm trying to vent... and this is how i do it.
but today is going to be different. i'll have a bad things section and a good things section and
i'm going to try to keep doing this for a while.


bad things:
so today has sucked enormously.
i was job hunting... my usual afternoon ritual
and as i got back to my bicycle
i saw that my back tire was flat.
as i got closer i saw that there was a large cut down the center of it.
fucking shit asshole cunt bitch motherfucker stuck a knife in my back tire
for shits and giggles.
i then walked 5 miles back to my dorm room.

did i mention i have a terrible little cold.
did i mention i have no friends.
no job.
riding around for an hour and a half looking for the photoshop and getting wrong directions three times then giving up.
actual price of photo shit $265.32 + overnight shipping {scratch that actual total $318.81}
i'm out of money on my stumptown giftcard

good things:
french homework is fucking easy.
my latest novel- learning lego. listen to this fucking song.
my mom sent me cookies and a really sweet note containing 40 bucks.*
-that was very nice of her
i'm really excited to start taking pictures.
cute girls all over**
blogging.
WHY? is playing friday
ryan is coming up in a week for BANE
two classes tomorrow.
capitalism fails lecture tomorrow night. i'm very excited... i just hope it's not a "vote-for-nader" schtick
had an interview at victrola on beacon hill today***
job hunting seemed to go well today.
i should be home on the 18th of october for the behold show.


i love you all and i miss you terribly.
please visit soon.

*i hate being so dependent financially on my parents. this is why the whole "job" thing is so important to me right now...
i know they don't have all the money in the world and the more they give me now the less we have for tuition and the really important things.

**none of them know i exist or will put an extra thought about me in their head.
it's okay. i'm learning to accept myself daily. it's hard but it's getting better.

***even if i'm offered the job i probably won't take it. call me crazy but i don't think i'm gonna ride my bike thirty five minutes everyday to work and pray that i get there on time... i just don't think it would work. it sucks but it's definitely gotten my hopes of other interviews back on the rise.

if you pray* please pray* for my spirits and that i can break free of the need for financial income. help me to envision alternative ways to fight the fucking bastard of a man.


*think/meditate/hope/sing

i love you.

a list of things that are shitty in my life right this second.

yesterday was just a list so here's a more specific list.


-having a roommate that eats really fucking loud.
also he only eats noodles, there's a lot of slurping.
-shower farts
-people getting mugged outside my dorm door.
-popping my neck.
-having a 3 hour, 4 hour, and hour and a half class all in the same day.
-no job.
-no money.
-photo supply list totaling upwards of $170.
-sad songs.


-This face:


-having a different roommate that leaves his reggae and/or kid rock blasting after he leaves the room and leaves the door open.
-having a roommate that leaves the door open everytime he leaves the room because he's too lazy to take his keys.
-coming back to my room and finding my roommate setting up beerpong.
-seattle.
-all of you not being here.


-don't worry i'll post one of all the good things tomorrow.
but for now i will miss you and love you to death

this weekend:

has amounted to:
vodka,
beer,
seeing stephanie quite randomly and then not so randomly,
riding my bike more than i thought was possible,
taking the break off of said bike so that what happened on wednesday will not happen again,
meeting two girls, neither of which will have any interest in me,
buying a new/smaller front wheel for my bike (i can now do barspins and 180's like a madman)
uploading like 150 cds to my computer,
not having any homework,
writing (alot),
missing everyone,
bonding with my roommates by putting up mr. t, freddy krueger, ghandi, and malcolm x pictures up on our door,
not eating, at all.
realizing that ischemia and circle takes the square are very similar bands, that is one of the best discoveries ever.
finding out that i'm probably coming home the 18th!!!!
getting ready for my first 5 hour photography class,
cleaning my 1/3 of my room,
making my 1/3 of my room dirtier than it was before,
throwing up,
having a sore throat,
wanting to make music really bad,

i think i'm gonna shave my head.
that's all.
i love you guys.


playlist=
ischemia- brown bag ep
circle takes the square- ritual of names
suffering and the hideous thieves- ashamed
blacklisted- heavier than heaven, lonelier than god
defiance, ohio- the great depression

here's this:
you have to admit, it's kinda funny

But atleast you tried...

ah... classes have started and i feel this genuine sense of regularity again...
it feels good.
i went riding with a group of guys last night for "the hump day hustle"
went to flowers after and it was pretty damn fun.

on the way home the bus broke down and i decided just to ride home in the rain...
also fun.
until...
i was almost back to campus and i went over a metal grate... i was going downhill
so i had my brake on just a tiny bit...
as soon as i went over the grate my brake caught more and i went down...
hard.
shit sucked.
my wrist is aching but i'm doing alright... should be better by tomorrow...

i had one class today.
i have one class tomorrow.
hella stoked.
then going to the bike shop to try and find a cheap used front wheel...

i love you and i miss you all so much.

current playlist:
comadre
curl up and die
mewithoutYou
song of zarathustra

go

here.

http://www.geocities.com/deadcaulfields/DCHome.html

my

roommate doesn't know how to close a fucking door.

also he's a tool.

fuck.

god is a place you will wait for the rest of your life.

i woke up this morning on a third story balcony,
of the european style, you know the kind that isn't
really big enough for one person to stand on
let alone trying to squeeze three people on it.
i lit my cigarette and looked out to the street.
ashed and watched it float thirty feet to the ground.
no ashes in cobwebs but a light snow of grey and white and black.
i'm down to twenty dollars in my wallet and i need a job real bad.
literally 20 dollars is all the more i have to my name.
more job apps today.
i'm gonna start rolling cigarettes again.

shit's weak.

altogether im in a pretty good mood though.

Wolves at my door.

holy shit.
today has been a good day.
(this isn't alphabetical, it just looks that way.)
A. woke up at 11:30, god knows how long it's been since i've slept in.
B. went job hunting with leandra. Urban Outfitters is hiring!!! and i'm a fifteen year old girl. fuck.
C. mastered the seattle metro. that's right i'm a fucking badass that knows two bus routes.
D. got coffee with hallie. it was very fun.
E. got the hiccups real bad on the way back to the dorm.
F. found out Bane is playing at el corazon on the 7th. fucking stoked. again that's the fifteen year old girl inside me that still listens to music that everyone else got over three years ago.
G. a notorious B.I.G. poster and a chewbacca poster somehow found their way on to my roommates wall... mysterious to say the least.
H. smashed a spider with my hat on the bus.
I. I miss my friends a lot.

cya,

playlist=
blacklisted
neutral milk hotel
ben folds
christ all fucking mighty
verse

the rain has dried...

well not quite. but it's stopped doing that shitty misty thing that its been doing all day...
today has been like a bright eyes song but less cheesy i guess...
okay so definately the same amount of cheesy-ness...

the rain it started tapping on the window near my bed...

to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open...

everything was different and completely new to me...

mainly just those lines running through my head all day...

i'm still not quite settled here.
i don't think i'll ever be...


i literally have nothing to do tomorrow
so i think i'm going to start job-hunting and shit...
lame.

i hung out with leandra and bryan tonight and they introduced me to some neat people.
it was pretty damn fun.

currently listening to an eclectic bunch of musicians featuring (but not limited to ):
love as laughter- pulsar radio
graf orlock- improvement society
joanna newsom- peach plum pear
bright eyes-bowl of oranges
curl up and die- if this band thing doesn't pan out we're joining the army

i miss everyone a whole fucking lot.
and it makes me think what i'd have done today if i hadn't
packed up everything i own,
driven 200 miles,
dropped it all off in a room,
and started a new life.
goodnight.
love.

go to:

wakeupfightback.blogspot.com

some pretty cool links to download shit. check it.

drown all your dreams, burn what's left of hope...

the new his name shall breathe tracks are fucking amazing.
myspace.com/hnsb
all are fully downloadable.
specifically:
gut fucked
old ghost ship

i bought the new killing the dream album today and it's real good.
downloaded the new blacklisted and its pretty good.
not amazing but very very good.

spent good times with friends and i'm drinking in every drop like water hasn't touched my lips in days.
3 days and counting...
my heart keeps pounding out of tempo and i have this building feeling in my stomach that everything i know will soon be gone.
i love you all.

we're all just fucked up kids.

searching for grace.

anger's all i've felt this summer
it's all ive thought i need
where is god when i need him most
where the hell is this fucking peace

im surrounded by liars
depressing monarchs
i was promised life inside these walls
and all i've found is gone

i've been laying too long
with my heart on my sleeve
and now i'm ready to fucking quit.
sometimes i wish i could sleep forever





"i'll scream it, your ears bleed. you'll always have a friend in me"