i feel nothing

gut fucked,
a new sort of breathing,
a sigh of relief
and all the lines are blurred again.
a shallow grave
and deepest secrets are being tossed in.
and this whole scene has been a long time coming.
it's the cold feet that get me
really,
it's the rejection that has stopped hurting
that makes this even worse.
it's the melancholia that burns my bones
and makes my heart-ache.
it's the act of accepting everything
for how it is
that gets me everytime.
and the sheep in the field look like the softest clouds
to lay on and make
for myself
a home in the sky.
i'd invite you but you wouldn't like it much.
and everytime i sit at this table i get bitter.
and everytime i read the pages i feel it.
and everytime i start typing these words i hate myself a little more.
and this is bigger than me.
and i can't stand it.

let it fall.

ashes to ashes,
we rain, progress! progress!
but you're no tide
and there's already water
over the bridge
i thought you could be my
life raft/some solid ground
but the holes are many
and i keep searching for
clarity,
some sort of soft resolution.
but you're not the sun
and you're not the april showers
falling from the bottoms of cotton clouds
and i will not sing in
your damn, rainy-day parade.
and i refuse to be seen as my own hangman.
but sometimes there's this loneliness
that makes it feel that i'm the only
one on an iceberg.
and you're no patch of green grass
to lay down and die on.
and you're no sense at all,
no sad, happy, or confused.
but you're still the song,
i'm just not singing anymore.

sometimes,

words can't explain what i want to say.
and that's why i hate words, and sentences, and
knowing that i can't have what i want.
and words will never be able to explain the hopelessness i feel right now.

i've been

tearing myself up for days on end
and i finally brought myself to tell you
and i've faced my greatest fear,
only to find out that it's not as much of an accomplishment
as i thought it may be.
now i'm lying on my back
watching the ceiling fan spin and tell me to wake
up
before this passes by and i swear sweet words
under my breath hoping
that they'll catch your ear
and you'll be in love with
me the way
that i'm in love with you.
and the way you smile
and the way you laugh
and the way that i can't say what i want when i'm around you.
and i'm sorry if i ruined your day
but i couldn't help myself,
remember dear,
i'm nothing but an animal,
a red breasted bird
boasting about my great self
and you
you.
you.
and i'm lost again
in an overwhelming sea of self-loathing
and self pity
self-awareness
and selfishness.
and all i want is for you to be able to finish all my sentences.

today's

a good day to flex the muscles of the weary,
a miracle's a miracle
even if it's ordinary.
and we'll walk on the water
even though it seems scary
depending on what you look through...

so today was an excellent day.
reasons why:
library
emma goldman
i have a friend
against me!
long ass walk.

and now there's a random girl puking outside my door.


also maura said she wanted to be mentioned in my blog. so there it is.

process.

my lips are chapped for the first time in two years
and i have a fire in my belly
it's that nervous
anticipation,
and it's creeking, calling,
singing,
telling me that everything will
be okay
and everything will be just fine.
there's this painted piece of wood
and it's staring me in the eyes
telling me that i should do it
maybe I will
maybe i'll do it.
but you're fast asleep
as your days are whipping by
and blowing your hair into your face.
and i can't bring myself to tell you again
that you need
to wake up.
because everything is okay.
everything
is okay.
so patience.
progress; progress.
a constant change of pace
let yourself climb.
and a voice is calling
my name
from the hallway.
an unfamiliar recognition.
progress=progress
i'm going
i'm going to do it.

tentacle tongued serpents,

this is what i feel like lately,

aren't you angel?

I'd clip your wings
with hedge trimmers
and throw your halo back to the ground
if that meant you'd stay with me
stay grounded
stay clear
aren't you angel?
aren't you angel dear?
I'll get damned before
I'd
set you free
and it's not that i'd take anyone,
it's that you have the darkest brown
eyes and
i can't stop thinking of winter
and the sound of snow as i walk
the forty-two blocks
in nothing but flip flops
boxers & a tank top
so please let me lay here a while
and let the melancholy flow
and i'll be better soon
i forgot;
aren't you angel?
aren't you angel dear?
and those lines keep on moving
when i close my eyes
and all i can see are the fireworks
exploding on the back of my eyelids
and i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
and i swore i'd never write a line of love
but that's all i have left.
please take this burden from me.

so i

said to myself that all hope wasn't lost
but i got carried away
again.
like a worm being digested
in the stomach of a mother robin.
flown back to the nest and
fed to the naked
baby
birds

and i may have been wrong because you're in love with another.
and i'm probably not strong enough
to carry you on my back because
you've got you're own shit to deal with
and it's been dealt to you with a wooden spoon,

but i promise i'll always hold your hand
and we can walk side by side
like the cliche'd songs we used to sing
our voices carry like bathtub bubbles
on the fourth of july

but i came so close
and i've been searching for the real
meaning of columbus day, 1979
and i miss your stupid laugh
and i miss the way you complain
and i miss the way you tell me about all the new boys in your life
when i keep slowly falling in love with every word you say
as it flows from your mouth and dribbles off your chin.
and i'll always be there to take it in.








I'm fucking hopeless.

there were

three messages on the other end,
and i heard your voice,
and you said that i was in the perfect time at the perfect place,
and that i was writing for someone.
and you were right,
and you put that thought in my head,
and i've been writing for you.
i promise.
and i miss your kind words.
and i miss our tears,
and you said that i was like the sad singers,
that make everyone cry their eyes out,
that's not what i want.
i want joy
and i want love,
and i want peace,
sometimes these are
just hard to find.
i want her.
and i want you.
and i want everyone,
sometimes these things,
just don't want you.
ive been cutting my toenails with 8 inch scissors and
my hair has been falling out forming the prettiest designs on the bathroom floor.
i've been looking in circles until my eyes are dizzy
and it's a beautiful day
let's go outside and make angels in the lawn until the first snow comes.
and let's sit in silence until the right words come again.
and we find god
and there's a decision to make between believing everything and believing nothing.
it's a cagematch of sorts,
and please, please, please
believe everything
believe in everything.
believe in me like i believe in you.

goodnight,

tomorrow bring me better fortune.

i've been listening

to the things you said,
over and over and over and over.
and still nothing makes sense of this.
i'm a fucking wreck.
and you were the pad to the chair in the study lounge
used to prop open a door when the sun was shining.

n/a

I wanted to take you to prom in my ice cream truck
you made me feel twenty feet tall but I couldn't stand up
Was I just your car crash
a scribbled note in your ten year old journal
will you think of me when you're watching
your nbc sitcoms
or the sunday night movie
As long as you're happy
Now you are painted fingernails and tampons
and I am one feathered wing and one naked arm
Was I just your stunt man
a temporary stand-in for your Hollywood superman
will you think of me when you're writing
your annual christmas letters
an update of the family
as long as you're happy
You kiss so deep
I could taste you in my toes
now you're so far I wouldn't even know how to say hello
As long as you're happy

as long as you're happy - cloud cult

it made me think of you.

this too shall pass,

you said you'd wear my skin like gloves while i was away,
you said it'd fit just like a mitten,
so during the three hour drive i carved your names in back of my eyelids,
ensuring i'd always have sweet dreams.
and nights would be easier.
but these inscriptions are sending shivers down my spine
and my heart is slowly breaking,
because i met a man with a harder life than mine.
and i started to shake from my selfishness.
and i only wanted you.
and now i'm gone and you've forgotten me.
and the cancer under my knuckles is growing bigger.
and the bags under my eyes are getting larger.
and i need sleep.
and i need you.

goodnight love.

it's a doozy,

i've eaten every meal this week by myself.
ive walked to every class by myself.
i sat at my desk at work doing nothing by myself for four hours.
i've been sitting in my room doing homework for two hours by myself.
monday i went to a show, by myself.
does anyone notice a pattern here?

i'm used to being a solitary creature,
i'm okay with it. i really am.
but there comes a point where you need interaction.
i can't keep doing this.
i can't help but think that this is a mistake.
i'm not supposed to be this lonely guy who sits in his room on his computer with his headphones on all day.
with the exception of my roommates, i don't know the names of anyone on my floor.
everything i'm doing seems pointless.
my homework, my classes, writing this.
i need a break and i'm less than three weeks into the quarter. does anyone else smell a pile of bullshit?

don't get me wrong... i'm not upset that i'm not friends with the people on my floor, those of you closest to me know that i ultimately want nothing to do with them... it would just be nice to find at least one person that i have something in common with.

maybe that's too much to ask.

but i'm going to ask for one more thing, if that person ever does show up... please let her be a girl.
everyone told me that yakima was a dry well as far as girls go... and i agree. they also said that i might
find someone once i moved to seattle. i haven't talked to a girl who's voice didn't annoy the piss out of me
since i've been here. i know i'm being impatient... but no, fuck it. im not being impatient. i've waited three fucking years and i'm fucking sick of it. and i'm sick of feeling like this.
i'm sick of not being able to let go.
i'm sick of this fucking stomach ache.
i'm sick of my fucking roommate listening to dave matthews so loud that i can't here my music through my headphones.
i'm sick of being miserable.
i'm sick of not seeing my friends.
i'm sick of being alone.
i'm sick of this.
and i'm fucking sick of you.

listen to faithhealer.
they are fucking phenomenal.



i'm sorry, i forgot i'm supposed to be happy all the fucking time,
i'll get it back don't worry.
todays just been a terribly boring day and i've had to much time to think.

do you

ever get the feeling that you're the subject of you're favorite love song.
i have that feeling right now.
and i don't know why.
but i don't like it. it's sending shivers down my spine.
mostly because it's all in my head.
and it's all in my head.


also fuck roommates.
ben is listening to the boston red socks game. he won't put his headphones on. also he shouts every time something good happens. also some random guy just walked in my room.

college life.

don't

let your hopes rise,
expectancy only brings disappointment.

if,

you loved me
you'd send me out to sea
on a paddle boat raft
with a hole in the stern
a bucket and a silver bullet.
you'd let me drift
until i've lost sight of land.
and you would leave a note tied to the top of the highest sail,
and it would read,
"I love you and i've let you go,
and i'll scream it til your ears bleed.
you'll always have a friend in me."

and when we reunite,
we'll meet in the fur
on the back of a buffalo.
and there will be tears and laughter
and we'll smoke too much and not drink enough.
and we'll graze the midwest on a life-size map.
oh! let there be tears!
oh! let there be joy!
oh! let there be tears!
and let the record skip and repeat and scratch until all that's left is an unrecognizable heap of plastic.
and we'll bury our dead alive until they scrape at the roof of their coffins.

today:

she was an ugly fucker,
sideways rain,
and gay men holding hands in the middle of the street,
with their shoelace all stepped-on.
and snails don't fall asleep with a smile,
when molested with salt,
but rather curl up and shrivel with with birthing pains,
of a baby elephant,
the story of the sweatpants boner,
in the jr. high locker room,
and grandma's drifting to sleep on the corner of the couch.
and all the people who taught me magic tricks,
have crossed their arms,
and looked away with dismay,
and today is a day for hiding under blankets,
with a familiar face or atleast a african voodoo mask,
reading a book and
letting our bones dissolve into eachothers,
like a fifth-grade chemistry set,
where the blue smoke swirls and
the green dissapears,
with a doo dum dee,
it's time for a rainy-day ticker-tape parade.
and i've carved the date of your birthday
on the palm of my left foot.
to make sure i don't forget.
and we'll watch as the two men fuck in the corner stall
and take us down to the bathroom floor.
and i've found you.
but when it's all done,
i don't want a casket,
urn,
or
burial at sea.
just leave me sitting
in my favorite chair
the one where my body
has made a mold
and leave the television on,
and keep the lights low,
and the episode of frasier that we once watched on repeat.
until my skin all melts away
and you're left with a scientific skeleton for study.

I feel it all.

things are looking up for sure.
i got a job today.
i am the new receptionist for the bellarmine advising center.
i do shit like filing, scheduling, and email.
it's in the same building that i live in.
that is awesome.
i've been listening to dangermouse all day.
i took pictures today.
on my 35mm i might add. it was very fun.
went to a photo show tonight.

go to borderfilmproject.com
it's kind of amazing.
they gave disposable cameras to 300 illegal immigrants on the mexico side of the border
and 300 to the minuteman/border patrol.
then they hang them side by side in the gallery.
its very eye-opening, shocking, and at times very very sad.

i'm going to see WHY? tomorrow and i'm very very excited.
myspace.com/whyanticon

these arms are snakes for free on monday for their cd release show.

bane on tuesday with ryan.
gravemaker's not playing anymore... but that's okay.

i'm coming home on the 18th so everyone better fucking be at the boys house for behold and more than heroes.

then against me! on the 24th

and chuck ragan on the 26th.

i'm having a great day.
goodnight.