oh! my anchored heart. oh! my steadfast ship.

i want love like 1964.

i want to tear down doors and throw open windows 

and breathe new air like it's the first time.

set sails west.

and be blown into the setting sun.

love like the bottom of a bottle.

love that stays up late only listening to deep breaths

i want air like the bottom of the ocean

where the snails and snakes 

crawl the ground searching for something to believe in.

love in the shallow sense.

love in the bottom of the wade pools 

where starfish and sponges paint the prettiest pictures

i want to sit alone at a table set for five.

with a bottle of wine and polaroid camera

15 candles and a box of bread.

sit until i find god.

or it finds me.

and cigarettes under streetlights.

and 40's in boxcars

and winter weather won't burn my bones.

and the holes in my shoes only bring me closer to the ground.

optimism is the best happiness i know.

and i have it.
it's been a while.
i may still be confused
and i may still be a fucked up kid [but who isn't]
even our parents and peers have their problems
but i have happiness.
i know that i am able to givelove and havelove and beloved.
whether it's you or not, i'm happy.
i promise.
and i have no regrets.
and i love you.
and i love you.
and i love you.
and even if there's nothing more for us beyond this moment.
i still have this moment.
and even if there's nothing more for me beyond today,
i still have today.
and even if this breath turns out to be my last,
i still have my lungs.
and even if my heart is broken,
it will still beat.
and my optimism will always outweigh my brokenness.
that is my promise.
and my cliche'd words will still ring true.
and i still have my god
and i still have my heart
and i still have my breath
and i still have today.
and in my heart i still have hope.

i want

to live like it's 1922 and a half.
my fucking heart hurts
and i got my hopes up again.
i miss my friends.
i miss hot showers.
i miss not waking up at 4am not knowing where i am.
i miss everything again.

here's looking at you kid.

there's a porno playing,
adding background noises
to my 2 am thoughts.
and it's hard to say
it's hard to put my finger on.
and every once in a while,
when i wake up.
and step into the morning light,
it gets hard to breathe
there's a moisture in the air and it's killing me
but there's a smile in your eyes and it's giving me breath.
i'm still having a hard time
believing your well-thought words
and i'm still having a hard time
think of the right ones to say,
i'm seeing yellow
it's different,
not better
not worse,
just
different
i'm choking on my words
and i hope you'll believe me
when i feign sincerity.
it's a smuggler's den
and the only way there is the cave in.

sorry seattle,

but you hold nothing for me.
i've tried i really have but you are being a stubborn little bastard of a town.
i know where my home is...
it's the place where i can sit in a garage and smoke cigarettes until the sun comes up
then wake up and drink shitty diner coffee
and feel the warm embrace of comforting friends
acceptance,
acceptance.
and i'll never understand you.
but patience
patience
and the end will come soon.
goodnight.

stoked on:

h+son wheelset.
excuse me but i'm gonna geek out for a second,
i think i'm gonna do black rims with white spokes laced to black profile hubs.
they are going to be fucking gorgeous.
coming home.
photos.
you.
winter break!!!
garage hangouts.
sleeeeep.
seeing dave's new ride.
top of the world.

i said,

excuse me,
but i'm not searching for a cure.
i'm only searching for the place
where i was once found.
and found something
to call home.
i heard that somewhere
there was a cure for you besides,
the broken bricks and snapped
tiger lily twigs
are much more appealing to me
in these,
the days without the sun.
and you expect a few kind words to
change my mind
but i've been drinking from
a dirty well
and you've been watching
me all along.
telling me,
go on, go right on.
and haven't you seen enough already?
and haven't you been alone for so long?
but i told you.
there was a cure for me inside.

it's been awhile

since i've been rejuvenated.
since i've slipped out of the monotony
and into a place where i feel comfortable.
you have no idea how much your words mean to me
because i can't express it.


i went into our conversation exhausted.
with everything.
tired of life
tired of sadness
tired of school
tired of the same advice from the same fucking people
i left enlightened and happy for the first time in a long long time.
thankyouthankyouthankyou.

i really cannot express how much your friendship, however brief or intermittent our "hang-outs" may be, means to me.
i know this is cliché and stupid but it's true.

i've come to a realization.

hot-damn.

it's

not my fault that
garden state will always
be my favorite movie

and it's not my fault
that these songs will always
make me tear up

and it's not my fault
that i can't
go back to two years ago

and it's not my fault
because
everyone changes

and it's not
my
goddamn
fault

i promise.

let's

make bridges
and make the streams to tear them down,
lets build bombs
to blow away our broken dreams,
lets bring life to those who promise death,
and lets open our hearts
and tear away
from bitterness.
yes. yes.
yes, she said,
it will be a new sort of tomorrow.
a new start and a new pen,
on a new page.
and we'll have new friends
and we'll dance along the
streams
and carry the weight of our broken
hearts
on our backs.
we'll pick up sticks
and build a-frames in the woods
to live out the rest of our tiny lives.
and i promise you a new start.
and i'll drink the water
pouring from your lips
and i'll bandage the wounds
that i have given you
and i'll take your hand
and we'll make this right.
promises, promises, promises.

there's

an ocean inside of me,
the one where you put the shell to your ear and
you hear it.
and it's a distant calling
from far away shores,
lets make beautiful words together.
get tongue tied.
rather, tie our tongues together
in embrace,
like a beautiful bit of irony
and let the beauty enfold us like a blanket.
and
always, always
find beauty in the cracks
of the sidewalk.
broadway & pine
and the last drag off of the last cigarette.
and i've found myself to be nothing more than a spectacle to you.
and i hope you've found your peace
because i'm still searching.
transistor radio
volume up.
and i'll find it.
promises.



update:
i moved yesterday.
it's good.
apparently a girl on my old floor got really drunk last night and was sent to the hospital to get her stomach pumped...
think good thoughts for her.
i'm officially bitter towards the people who appear to only have come to college to drink.
not that they directly affect me...
but that they distract me... i feel so sorry for them.
i know that's not what they want me to feel but i really cannot help it...
and in reality i have no right to feel sorry for them...
i don't know what it is...
i just don't like it
goodnight.
i love you and i miss you all.

fuck the emerald city.

and fuck the evergreen state,
with your ever rainy mornings
and your over complacent evenings.
your binge drinking afternoons
and your exhausted midnights.
i'm sick with everything you've given me.
each glorious gift causing me more grief.
and am i only reflection?


"And yes, even in spite of the condemnation of my own closest comrades i will live my beautiful ideal."
-emma goldman


i'm still holding on to the hope that i can live my ideals
and that i won't feel the need to be complacent or to conform.
revolt, rebuild, resist, resist.

i feel nothing

gut fucked,
a new sort of breathing,
a sigh of relief
and all the lines are blurred again.
a shallow grave
and deepest secrets are being tossed in.
and this whole scene has been a long time coming.
it's the cold feet that get me
really,
it's the rejection that has stopped hurting
that makes this even worse.
it's the melancholia that burns my bones
and makes my heart-ache.
it's the act of accepting everything
for how it is
that gets me everytime.
and the sheep in the field look like the softest clouds
to lay on and make
for myself
a home in the sky.
i'd invite you but you wouldn't like it much.
and everytime i sit at this table i get bitter.
and everytime i read the pages i feel it.
and everytime i start typing these words i hate myself a little more.
and this is bigger than me.
and i can't stand it.

let it fall.

ashes to ashes,
we rain, progress! progress!
but you're no tide
and there's already water
over the bridge
i thought you could be my
life raft/some solid ground
but the holes are many
and i keep searching for
clarity,
some sort of soft resolution.
but you're not the sun
and you're not the april showers
falling from the bottoms of cotton clouds
and i will not sing in
your damn, rainy-day parade.
and i refuse to be seen as my own hangman.
but sometimes there's this loneliness
that makes it feel that i'm the only
one on an iceberg.
and you're no patch of green grass
to lay down and die on.
and you're no sense at all,
no sad, happy, or confused.
but you're still the song,
i'm just not singing anymore.

sometimes,

words can't explain what i want to say.
and that's why i hate words, and sentences, and
knowing that i can't have what i want.
and words will never be able to explain the hopelessness i feel right now.

i've been

tearing myself up for days on end
and i finally brought myself to tell you
and i've faced my greatest fear,
only to find out that it's not as much of an accomplishment
as i thought it may be.
now i'm lying on my back
watching the ceiling fan spin and tell me to wake
up
before this passes by and i swear sweet words
under my breath hoping
that they'll catch your ear
and you'll be in love with
me the way
that i'm in love with you.
and the way you smile
and the way you laugh
and the way that i can't say what i want when i'm around you.
and i'm sorry if i ruined your day
but i couldn't help myself,
remember dear,
i'm nothing but an animal,
a red breasted bird
boasting about my great self
and you
you.
you.
and i'm lost again
in an overwhelming sea of self-loathing
and self pity
self-awareness
and selfishness.
and all i want is for you to be able to finish all my sentences.

today's

a good day to flex the muscles of the weary,
a miracle's a miracle
even if it's ordinary.
and we'll walk on the water
even though it seems scary
depending on what you look through...

so today was an excellent day.
reasons why:
library
emma goldman
i have a friend
against me!
long ass walk.

and now there's a random girl puking outside my door.


also maura said she wanted to be mentioned in my blog. so there it is.

process.

my lips are chapped for the first time in two years
and i have a fire in my belly
it's that nervous
anticipation,
and it's creeking, calling,
singing,
telling me that everything will
be okay
and everything will be just fine.
there's this painted piece of wood
and it's staring me in the eyes
telling me that i should do it
maybe I will
maybe i'll do it.
but you're fast asleep
as your days are whipping by
and blowing your hair into your face.
and i can't bring myself to tell you again
that you need
to wake up.
because everything is okay.
everything
is okay.
so patience.
progress; progress.
a constant change of pace
let yourself climb.
and a voice is calling
my name
from the hallway.
an unfamiliar recognition.
progress=progress
i'm going
i'm going to do it.

tentacle tongued serpents,

this is what i feel like lately,

aren't you angel?

I'd clip your wings
with hedge trimmers
and throw your halo back to the ground
if that meant you'd stay with me
stay grounded
stay clear
aren't you angel?
aren't you angel dear?
I'll get damned before
I'd
set you free
and it's not that i'd take anyone,
it's that you have the darkest brown
eyes and
i can't stop thinking of winter
and the sound of snow as i walk
the forty-two blocks
in nothing but flip flops
boxers & a tank top
so please let me lay here a while
and let the melancholy flow
and i'll be better soon
i forgot;
aren't you angel?
aren't you angel dear?
and those lines keep on moving
when i close my eyes
and all i can see are the fireworks
exploding on the back of my eyelids
and i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry.
and i swore i'd never write a line of love
but that's all i have left.
please take this burden from me.

so i

said to myself that all hope wasn't lost
but i got carried away
again.
like a worm being digested
in the stomach of a mother robin.
flown back to the nest and
fed to the naked
baby
birds

and i may have been wrong because you're in love with another.
and i'm probably not strong enough
to carry you on my back because
you've got you're own shit to deal with
and it's been dealt to you with a wooden spoon,

but i promise i'll always hold your hand
and we can walk side by side
like the cliche'd songs we used to sing
our voices carry like bathtub bubbles
on the fourth of july

but i came so close
and i've been searching for the real
meaning of columbus day, 1979
and i miss your stupid laugh
and i miss the way you complain
and i miss the way you tell me about all the new boys in your life
when i keep slowly falling in love with every word you say
as it flows from your mouth and dribbles off your chin.
and i'll always be there to take it in.








I'm fucking hopeless.

there were

three messages on the other end,
and i heard your voice,
and you said that i was in the perfect time at the perfect place,
and that i was writing for someone.
and you were right,
and you put that thought in my head,
and i've been writing for you.
i promise.
and i miss your kind words.
and i miss our tears,
and you said that i was like the sad singers,
that make everyone cry their eyes out,
that's not what i want.
i want joy
and i want love,
and i want peace,
sometimes these are
just hard to find.
i want her.
and i want you.
and i want everyone,
sometimes these things,
just don't want you.
ive been cutting my toenails with 8 inch scissors and
my hair has been falling out forming the prettiest designs on the bathroom floor.
i've been looking in circles until my eyes are dizzy
and it's a beautiful day
let's go outside and make angels in the lawn until the first snow comes.
and let's sit in silence until the right words come again.
and we find god
and there's a decision to make between believing everything and believing nothing.
it's a cagematch of sorts,
and please, please, please
believe everything
believe in everything.
believe in me like i believe in you.

goodnight,

tomorrow bring me better fortune.

i've been listening

to the things you said,
over and over and over and over.
and still nothing makes sense of this.
i'm a fucking wreck.
and you were the pad to the chair in the study lounge
used to prop open a door when the sun was shining.

n/a

I wanted to take you to prom in my ice cream truck
you made me feel twenty feet tall but I couldn't stand up
Was I just your car crash
a scribbled note in your ten year old journal
will you think of me when you're watching
your nbc sitcoms
or the sunday night movie
As long as you're happy
Now you are painted fingernails and tampons
and I am one feathered wing and one naked arm
Was I just your stunt man
a temporary stand-in for your Hollywood superman
will you think of me when you're writing
your annual christmas letters
an update of the family
as long as you're happy
You kiss so deep
I could taste you in my toes
now you're so far I wouldn't even know how to say hello
As long as you're happy

as long as you're happy - cloud cult

it made me think of you.

this too shall pass,

you said you'd wear my skin like gloves while i was away,
you said it'd fit just like a mitten,
so during the three hour drive i carved your names in back of my eyelids,
ensuring i'd always have sweet dreams.
and nights would be easier.
but these inscriptions are sending shivers down my spine
and my heart is slowly breaking,
because i met a man with a harder life than mine.
and i started to shake from my selfishness.
and i only wanted you.
and now i'm gone and you've forgotten me.
and the cancer under my knuckles is growing bigger.
and the bags under my eyes are getting larger.
and i need sleep.
and i need you.

goodnight love.

it's a doozy,

i've eaten every meal this week by myself.
ive walked to every class by myself.
i sat at my desk at work doing nothing by myself for four hours.
i've been sitting in my room doing homework for two hours by myself.
monday i went to a show, by myself.
does anyone notice a pattern here?

i'm used to being a solitary creature,
i'm okay with it. i really am.
but there comes a point where you need interaction.
i can't keep doing this.
i can't help but think that this is a mistake.
i'm not supposed to be this lonely guy who sits in his room on his computer with his headphones on all day.
with the exception of my roommates, i don't know the names of anyone on my floor.
everything i'm doing seems pointless.
my homework, my classes, writing this.
i need a break and i'm less than three weeks into the quarter. does anyone else smell a pile of bullshit?

don't get me wrong... i'm not upset that i'm not friends with the people on my floor, those of you closest to me know that i ultimately want nothing to do with them... it would just be nice to find at least one person that i have something in common with.

maybe that's too much to ask.

but i'm going to ask for one more thing, if that person ever does show up... please let her be a girl.
everyone told me that yakima was a dry well as far as girls go... and i agree. they also said that i might
find someone once i moved to seattle. i haven't talked to a girl who's voice didn't annoy the piss out of me
since i've been here. i know i'm being impatient... but no, fuck it. im not being impatient. i've waited three fucking years and i'm fucking sick of it. and i'm sick of feeling like this.
i'm sick of not being able to let go.
i'm sick of this fucking stomach ache.
i'm sick of my fucking roommate listening to dave matthews so loud that i can't here my music through my headphones.
i'm sick of being miserable.
i'm sick of not seeing my friends.
i'm sick of being alone.
i'm sick of this.
and i'm fucking sick of you.

listen to faithhealer.
they are fucking phenomenal.



i'm sorry, i forgot i'm supposed to be happy all the fucking time,
i'll get it back don't worry.
todays just been a terribly boring day and i've had to much time to think.

do you

ever get the feeling that you're the subject of you're favorite love song.
i have that feeling right now.
and i don't know why.
but i don't like it. it's sending shivers down my spine.
mostly because it's all in my head.
and it's all in my head.


also fuck roommates.
ben is listening to the boston red socks game. he won't put his headphones on. also he shouts every time something good happens. also some random guy just walked in my room.

college life.

don't

let your hopes rise,
expectancy only brings disappointment.

if,

you loved me
you'd send me out to sea
on a paddle boat raft
with a hole in the stern
a bucket and a silver bullet.
you'd let me drift
until i've lost sight of land.
and you would leave a note tied to the top of the highest sail,
and it would read,
"I love you and i've let you go,
and i'll scream it til your ears bleed.
you'll always have a friend in me."

and when we reunite,
we'll meet in the fur
on the back of a buffalo.
and there will be tears and laughter
and we'll smoke too much and not drink enough.
and we'll graze the midwest on a life-size map.
oh! let there be tears!
oh! let there be joy!
oh! let there be tears!
and let the record skip and repeat and scratch until all that's left is an unrecognizable heap of plastic.
and we'll bury our dead alive until they scrape at the roof of their coffins.

today:

she was an ugly fucker,
sideways rain,
and gay men holding hands in the middle of the street,
with their shoelace all stepped-on.
and snails don't fall asleep with a smile,
when molested with salt,
but rather curl up and shrivel with with birthing pains,
of a baby elephant,
the story of the sweatpants boner,
in the jr. high locker room,
and grandma's drifting to sleep on the corner of the couch.
and all the people who taught me magic tricks,
have crossed their arms,
and looked away with dismay,
and today is a day for hiding under blankets,
with a familiar face or atleast a african voodoo mask,
reading a book and
letting our bones dissolve into eachothers,
like a fifth-grade chemistry set,
where the blue smoke swirls and
the green dissapears,
with a doo dum dee,
it's time for a rainy-day ticker-tape parade.
and i've carved the date of your birthday
on the palm of my left foot.
to make sure i don't forget.
and we'll watch as the two men fuck in the corner stall
and take us down to the bathroom floor.
and i've found you.
but when it's all done,
i don't want a casket,
urn,
or
burial at sea.
just leave me sitting
in my favorite chair
the one where my body
has made a mold
and leave the television on,
and keep the lights low,
and the episode of frasier that we once watched on repeat.
until my skin all melts away
and you're left with a scientific skeleton for study.

I feel it all.

things are looking up for sure.
i got a job today.
i am the new receptionist for the bellarmine advising center.
i do shit like filing, scheduling, and email.
it's in the same building that i live in.
that is awesome.
i've been listening to dangermouse all day.
i took pictures today.
on my 35mm i might add. it was very fun.
went to a photo show tonight.

go to borderfilmproject.com
it's kind of amazing.
they gave disposable cameras to 300 illegal immigrants on the mexico side of the border
and 300 to the minuteman/border patrol.
then they hang them side by side in the gallery.
its very eye-opening, shocking, and at times very very sad.

i'm going to see WHY? tomorrow and i'm very very excited.
myspace.com/whyanticon

these arms are snakes for free on monday for their cd release show.

bane on tuesday with ryan.
gravemaker's not playing anymore... but that's okay.

i'm coming home on the 18th so everyone better fucking be at the boys house for behold and more than heroes.

then against me! on the 24th

and chuck ragan on the 26th.

i'm having a great day.
goodnight.

pulling out my hair pulling out my hair... crushed by plastic lego men.

i'm trying very very hard to keep a positive outlook on this new and strange way of life.
it seems to get harder everyday.
i got a letter from my mom today saying that one of our families really good friends father
is very depressed. i don't want to be like that.
i want to keep sadness and self-pity, self-loathing as far away from me as i can.
it keeps getting harder and harder but i really am trying even if these fucking blogs
seem so... melancholy or sad... it's mostly because i'm trying to vent... and this is how i do it.
but today is going to be different. i'll have a bad things section and a good things section and
i'm going to try to keep doing this for a while.


bad things:
so today has sucked enormously.
i was job hunting... my usual afternoon ritual
and as i got back to my bicycle
i saw that my back tire was flat.
as i got closer i saw that there was a large cut down the center of it.
fucking shit asshole cunt bitch motherfucker stuck a knife in my back tire
for shits and giggles.
i then walked 5 miles back to my dorm room.

did i mention i have a terrible little cold.
did i mention i have no friends.
no job.
riding around for an hour and a half looking for the photoshop and getting wrong directions three times then giving up.
actual price of photo shit $265.32 + overnight shipping {scratch that actual total $318.81}
i'm out of money on my stumptown giftcard

good things:
french homework is fucking easy.
my latest novel- learning lego. listen to this fucking song.
my mom sent me cookies and a really sweet note containing 40 bucks.*
-that was very nice of her
i'm really excited to start taking pictures.
cute girls all over**
blogging.
WHY? is playing friday
ryan is coming up in a week for BANE
two classes tomorrow.
capitalism fails lecture tomorrow night. i'm very excited... i just hope it's not a "vote-for-nader" schtick
had an interview at victrola on beacon hill today***
job hunting seemed to go well today.
i should be home on the 18th of october for the behold show.


i love you all and i miss you terribly.
please visit soon.

*i hate being so dependent financially on my parents. this is why the whole "job" thing is so important to me right now...
i know they don't have all the money in the world and the more they give me now the less we have for tuition and the really important things.

**none of them know i exist or will put an extra thought about me in their head.
it's okay. i'm learning to accept myself daily. it's hard but it's getting better.

***even if i'm offered the job i probably won't take it. call me crazy but i don't think i'm gonna ride my bike thirty five minutes everyday to work and pray that i get there on time... i just don't think it would work. it sucks but it's definitely gotten my hopes of other interviews back on the rise.

if you pray* please pray* for my spirits and that i can break free of the need for financial income. help me to envision alternative ways to fight the fucking bastard of a man.


*think/meditate/hope/sing

i love you.

a list of things that are shitty in my life right this second.

yesterday was just a list so here's a more specific list.


-having a roommate that eats really fucking loud.
also he only eats noodles, there's a lot of slurping.
-shower farts
-people getting mugged outside my dorm door.
-popping my neck.
-having a 3 hour, 4 hour, and hour and a half class all in the same day.
-no job.
-no money.
-photo supply list totaling upwards of $170.
-sad songs.


-This face:


-having a different roommate that leaves his reggae and/or kid rock blasting after he leaves the room and leaves the door open.
-having a roommate that leaves the door open everytime he leaves the room because he's too lazy to take his keys.
-coming back to my room and finding my roommate setting up beerpong.
-seattle.
-all of you not being here.


-don't worry i'll post one of all the good things tomorrow.
but for now i will miss you and love you to death

this weekend:

has amounted to:
vodka,
beer,
seeing stephanie quite randomly and then not so randomly,
riding my bike more than i thought was possible,
taking the break off of said bike so that what happened on wednesday will not happen again,
meeting two girls, neither of which will have any interest in me,
buying a new/smaller front wheel for my bike (i can now do barspins and 180's like a madman)
uploading like 150 cds to my computer,
not having any homework,
writing (alot),
missing everyone,
bonding with my roommates by putting up mr. t, freddy krueger, ghandi, and malcolm x pictures up on our door,
not eating, at all.
realizing that ischemia and circle takes the square are very similar bands, that is one of the best discoveries ever.
finding out that i'm probably coming home the 18th!!!!
getting ready for my first 5 hour photography class,
cleaning my 1/3 of my room,
making my 1/3 of my room dirtier than it was before,
throwing up,
having a sore throat,
wanting to make music really bad,

i think i'm gonna shave my head.
that's all.
i love you guys.


playlist=
ischemia- brown bag ep
circle takes the square- ritual of names
suffering and the hideous thieves- ashamed
blacklisted- heavier than heaven, lonelier than god
defiance, ohio- the great depression

here's this:
you have to admit, it's kinda funny

But atleast you tried...

ah... classes have started and i feel this genuine sense of regularity again...
it feels good.
i went riding with a group of guys last night for "the hump day hustle"
went to flowers after and it was pretty damn fun.

on the way home the bus broke down and i decided just to ride home in the rain...
also fun.
until...
i was almost back to campus and i went over a metal grate... i was going downhill
so i had my brake on just a tiny bit...
as soon as i went over the grate my brake caught more and i went down...
hard.
shit sucked.
my wrist is aching but i'm doing alright... should be better by tomorrow...

i had one class today.
i have one class tomorrow.
hella stoked.
then going to the bike shop to try and find a cheap used front wheel...

i love you and i miss you all so much.

current playlist:
comadre
curl up and die
mewithoutYou
song of zarathustra

go

here.

http://www.geocities.com/deadcaulfields/DCHome.html

my

roommate doesn't know how to close a fucking door.

also he's a tool.

fuck.

god is a place you will wait for the rest of your life.

i woke up this morning on a third story balcony,
of the european style, you know the kind that isn't
really big enough for one person to stand on
let alone trying to squeeze three people on it.
i lit my cigarette and looked out to the street.
ashed and watched it float thirty feet to the ground.
no ashes in cobwebs but a light snow of grey and white and black.
i'm down to twenty dollars in my wallet and i need a job real bad.
literally 20 dollars is all the more i have to my name.
more job apps today.
i'm gonna start rolling cigarettes again.

shit's weak.

altogether im in a pretty good mood though.

Wolves at my door.

holy shit.
today has been a good day.
(this isn't alphabetical, it just looks that way.)
A. woke up at 11:30, god knows how long it's been since i've slept in.
B. went job hunting with leandra. Urban Outfitters is hiring!!! and i'm a fifteen year old girl. fuck.
C. mastered the seattle metro. that's right i'm a fucking badass that knows two bus routes.
D. got coffee with hallie. it was very fun.
E. got the hiccups real bad on the way back to the dorm.
F. found out Bane is playing at el corazon on the 7th. fucking stoked. again that's the fifteen year old girl inside me that still listens to music that everyone else got over three years ago.
G. a notorious B.I.G. poster and a chewbacca poster somehow found their way on to my roommates wall... mysterious to say the least.
H. smashed a spider with my hat on the bus.
I. I miss my friends a lot.

cya,

playlist=
blacklisted
neutral milk hotel
ben folds
christ all fucking mighty
verse

the rain has dried...

well not quite. but it's stopped doing that shitty misty thing that its been doing all day...
today has been like a bright eyes song but less cheesy i guess...
okay so definately the same amount of cheesy-ness...

the rain it started tapping on the window near my bed...

to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open...

everything was different and completely new to me...

mainly just those lines running through my head all day...

i'm still not quite settled here.
i don't think i'll ever be...


i literally have nothing to do tomorrow
so i think i'm going to start job-hunting and shit...
lame.

i hung out with leandra and bryan tonight and they introduced me to some neat people.
it was pretty damn fun.

currently listening to an eclectic bunch of musicians featuring (but not limited to ):
love as laughter- pulsar radio
graf orlock- improvement society
joanna newsom- peach plum pear
bright eyes-bowl of oranges
curl up and die- if this band thing doesn't pan out we're joining the army

i miss everyone a whole fucking lot.
and it makes me think what i'd have done today if i hadn't
packed up everything i own,
driven 200 miles,
dropped it all off in a room,
and started a new life.
goodnight.
love.

go to:

wakeupfightback.blogspot.com

some pretty cool links to download shit. check it.

drown all your dreams, burn what's left of hope...

the new his name shall breathe tracks are fucking amazing.
myspace.com/hnsb
all are fully downloadable.
specifically:
gut fucked
old ghost ship

i bought the new killing the dream album today and it's real good.
downloaded the new blacklisted and its pretty good.
not amazing but very very good.

spent good times with friends and i'm drinking in every drop like water hasn't touched my lips in days.
3 days and counting...
my heart keeps pounding out of tempo and i have this building feeling in my stomach that everything i know will soon be gone.
i love you all.

we're all just fucked up kids.

searching for grace.

anger's all i've felt this summer
it's all ive thought i need
where is god when i need him most
where the hell is this fucking peace

im surrounded by liars
depressing monarchs
i was promised life inside these walls
and all i've found is gone

i've been laying too long
with my heart on my sleeve
and now i'm ready to fucking quit.
sometimes i wish i could sleep forever





"i'll scream it, your ears bleed. you'll always have a friend in me"

listen:

to the lyrics of i believe in your victory.
they are the most beautiful emptiness possible.

theres never enough time to listen to yourself think.
try harder.

today/ high tides

good day.

actually today was a great day.
first day i didn't have any school at all and it was pretty great.

show tonight was funnish...
i had fun playing and hanging out and shit...
it was the first time i've played in front of people in a "band" in over a year...
first time ive ever played guitar in a "band".
it was pretty damn fun.


also seeing girls dressed like whores is always awesome.

jared and dylan's drunk rave was badass.

liz and ryan cruisin coffee hangout = radtastic

inventing the word radtastic is the best thing ive done in the past week.

i think kelsey moves back into town tomorrow and i'm motherfuckinghellastokedbetch!

im also on a rejuvenated reading kick.

currently:
spoon river poetry review
Nietzche- why i am so wise.

and more...



current playlist:
on the might of princes: you can only be so careful
dangers: we broke the p.a.
sinking ships: ghost story
indian summer: angry son
history invades: call me mint jelly 'cause im on the lamb


goodnight friends.
i like you all a whole lot.

franklin deleanor naked man in a blood stained apron

today is franklin day.
named after the baby bird we found at randall park.
he was in a bucket.
assholes.

later in the evening,
i walked out of liz and tashas apartment
to find her neighbor wearing nothing but a blood stained
apron and holding a
barbeque fork.

he was waiting for another guy who was walking up the stairs in his underwear.
we had a short conversation and then i was on my way.


overall today was a great day.



also i graduated from yvcc today.
it was good strange feeling.


i've been listening to immortal technique all day. the man's a fucking genius.

love you

crabs; the selfish shellfish

today, actually like five minutes ago, i downloaded the new sigur ros album.
pirated link from alex.
it's quite amazing.
really it is.
it's putting me in a very strange, good, almost high, mood.
i'm fully planning on buying the actual album but i really couldn't wait.

show friday.


playlist:
sigur ros- festival
cloud cult- transistor radio
a silver mt. zion- 12 blues for 12 moons
mewithoutYou- flamethrower
the mall- define migration.



if you are one with god, if god lives within you.
and you are searching for yourself,
trying to discover who you really are,
are you finding god at the same time?



here:

you didn't answer

we didn't hang out.
now theres a strange banging outside and i'm curious/terrified.
it sounds like a strange mixture of the bass in a lowrider being turned up too loud
and a weird thumping noise that i get in my head every once in a while..
but i know it's not in my head.
i hope it's in my head.

there are sirens and lights outside.
around the corner down the street
i can't sleep.

fuck.

the view from the bottom

it's weird.
it really is.
today i realized that i'm very selfish.
childish even.
i do this stupid shit without even thinking about it.
specifically;
i don't want certain people to like the same music i like,
i realize that this is a terrible attitude but it's really the way i feel.

here's this:




Current playlist:
Circle takes the square- Crow quill
Guns up- outlive
curl up and die- dr. doom, a man of science, doesn't believe in jesus, why the fuck do you?
the holy mountain- MPL
on the might of princes- for meg

shit gets better

it does.
it will.
schools almost done.
i'm ready.
two more finals.
college graduation on friday.
bring this summer shit.

list of things to do this summer:
update blog more regularly.
camping
tomfest
get ready to move
hang out with friends that i will miss when i move to the shitty town of seattle.
more camping.
start a band.
break up band because noone is dedicated.
more hanging out.